Tuesday, April 27, 2010

How to Make Money by Giving Cocaine to Monkeys

This is another one of those ideas that you probably will not believe is actually real. But it is.

No doubt you remember hearing about the trillion dollar government stimulus plan that went through the White House last year. Well, a trillion dollars goes a really long way, and at some point you run out of things to give it to, and you start passing it out to pretty much everyone who asks, even if the people asking are crazy nut jobs who will use it to buy cocaine for their lab monkeys. Thats what seems to have happened at Wake Forest. A bunch of mad scientists were given about $71,000 to see what happens when you give cocaine to monkeys.

You may laugh, but I can see where they are coming from on this one. In fact, just the other day I was on my way to work and I started thinking "What if I gave all this coke to a bunch of monkeys?"

Fortunately we have the Internet, and I was able to find out exactly what happens to cokehead monkeys, in very precise detail. Here is an actual, for real, not made up quote from the Wake Forest mad scientists. 

"We have demonstrated significant alterations within the dopamine system of nonhuman primates following chronic cocaine self-administration..."

So, there you have it! Coke fiend monkeys have significantly altered dopamine systems. I don't know what a dopamine system is, but I'm not surprised in the least that cocaine messes it up. In fact, if you gave me the following quiz, I'm sure I would have aced it even before reading about this.

The dopamine system of a monkey that snorts lots of coke will be (choose one)
A. Pretty much the same as other dopamine systems
B. Messed up beyond all recognition
C. Unsure

Answer: B

Ok fine, so the government gave less that one one millionth of one percent of its stimulus to support cocaine habits for monkeys. How do I make a dollar off this?

There are several ways
1. Make money by selling cocaine. They have to be getting it somewhere.* No reason they shouldn't get it from you. 
2. Make money by selling monkeys. Monkey dealerships do not usually do well in the U.S.,** but you know these monkeys are going to start dying off soon, and they will need to be replaced.
3. Run the Wake Forest researchers out of business by low-balling the bid price. Think about it. They got $71,000 because they asked for it. No way was anyone else competing for this grant. All you have to do is bid the same project for less money, and you'll get the grant. Then write a bunch of gack about dopamine systems, addiction,  and Kurt Cobain, and you will be successful.

*Seriously, where are they getting it?

** A while back Howtomakeadollar attempted running a monkey dealership. No go.

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