Russian Finance Leader Turns to Alcohol for Answers, Suggests You do the Same

Ok, well, in our last attempt to solve the global financial crisis, we suggested destroying stuff as a means of stimulating further production. This idea was, of course, utter lunacy, and has not worked very well. Nonetheless, if you are looking for an economic theory to justify your most recent car accident,Keynesian Economics is a good place to start.

But, if you are more inclined to discussing fiscal policy while falling into a drunken stupor in a smoke filled bar, then you should forget about Keynes and head to Russia. After all, if we learned anything from the past hundred years, its that when you need a good primer on effective economic theory, you should ask the Russians. And, naturally, just when the world needs a good idea, the land of 100 trillion rubles has come up with one.

Just this week, Russian finance minister Alexei Kudrin urged all Russians to "Drink more alcohol and smoke more cigarettes..." Not kidding. Kudrin has been finance minister of Russia since 2000. He says that high taxes on cigarettes and alcohol help pay for Russia's social services, and he believes that if more Russians drink and smoke more, they may be able to pull Russia out of its deficit. Kudrin is the Russian equivalent to the U.S. Treasury Dept. and Federal Reserve combined, so presumably he knows something about economics. However, after looking into it, I've found that his primary qualifications for the job are: 

1. Vladimir Putin appointed him.

2. Everyone who disagrees with Vladimir Putin has died in mysterious cases of accidental firing squad. 

One of these two men rose to the top of the Soviet KGB and took control of Russia through assassinations, threats, and rigged elections. The other is a villain in a James Bond movie.

Well, enough about Czar Putin. Lets talk economics. Specifically, does this idea make any sense whatsoever? Lets consider the angles. Russia's primary exports are:
1. Oil, which they sell to China and Europe,
2. Black market weapons, which they sell to Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, and me.
3. Thats it.

So, from the perspective of a finance minister with no professional qualifications whatsoever, it is easy to see how you could wind up turning to the bottle for your answers. Oil is good for your country, but oil alone can only get you about as far as Iran, which is a pretty lousy country. Selling nukes to third world dictators is a dodgy business that you would rather not think too hard about. This leaves you in a bad situation. May as well find solace in the drink. And once you're getting drunk and puffing on a cigarette, you may as well become a government appointed pusher and get everyone else to join you.

And now, some fun with pictures

Here's Vladimir Putin waving a crazy gun around in public. I think he's a reasonable guy to be in charge of the world's largest nuclear weapon cache, don't you? Aren't you glad the U.S. took the lead on nonproliferation?

Make money by making those rubber strips that go around your refrigerator door

You know what that little rubber liner thingee that goes around your refrigerator door is called? Its called a gasket. As in the sentence "Jack has a gasket." You want to know what it does? It makes your refrigerator work. Without that rubber gasket in there the door will not shut, and all the little cold particles that make stuff get cold will come tumbling out all over the place. Not only that, but in the absence of all the little cold particles, little hot particles will appear, transforming your fridge into a 70 degree box of lukewarm leftovers that stink up the whole kitchen. This is how refrigerators work.

Here is a picture of some guy pointing at a refrigerator gasket

Even if you do have a gasket, but the gasket has a tear in it from the time you slammed it on a cat or maybe it just got a tear for ABSOLUTELY NO STINKING REASON WHATSOEVER. Well, in that case, the fridge will just run all day long, and all the little cold particles will all sneak right out that little tear and invite all the hot particles in. Not only that, but a whole bunch of condensation will accumulate all over the place and drip on the floor under the fridge. Condensation is a kind of water that appears for no good reason in places that water has no business being and makes stuff all wet that shouldn't get wet. Condensation that comes out of your fridge will usually smell like sweet and sour sauce and eggs. It will accumulate under the fridge and bond with all the little things that live under your fridge. If you have never rolled your fridge out to see what was under it, you need to do so right now. You will be astonished and terrified, like those guys who chase tornados around Kansas and then turn around and run away screaming like little girls as soon as they find one. After hours of building up under there, it will suddenly start to gush out from under the fridge like a busted oil rig, only smellier and with mouse turds floating in it. If you aren't paying attention you will step in it barefoot and it will be cold and you will make a little "yip" noise that makes you sound like a girl. If you are a girl you will make the same noise and then yell at the nearest man to come over and fix it.

Well, what do you do then? You go to Home Depot. Do not go to Lowes. Lowes is the worst place you could ever go. Death Valley is a lot like Lowes, only there aren't little birds flying around in Death Vally taking dumps on the merchandise, and there are no teenage girls with pink nose piercings and dyed black hair working in customer service. Also, its called Death Valley, so you know what you are getting into when you go there.

So, if you go to Home Depot, they will give you a phone number that you can call. You call that number, and some guy will ask you what the number on your fridge door is. You probably never noticed this number before, but there is a big number right on the inside of your door. It doesn't make any difference what brand your fridge is. It doesn't make any difference where you bought it. Maybe its an out-of-business off-brand made in the Weimar Republic by a bunch of Prussian serfs. Maybe you found it in a landfill outside of Vladivostok. Doesn't make any difference. That number will be there, and the guy at the phone number will have a brand new gasket on hand, sized exactly for your made-up refrigerator. He will mail it to you for $100.

He can charge any amount he wants to because he is the only guy in the world who is in the aftermarket refrigerator gasket business. When his first grade teacher asked the class what they wanted to do when they grew up, everyone said they wanted to be athletes and pilots and CIA agents. Not this guy. This guy said he wanted to get into the refrigerator gasket industry. He has no competition, he goes on vacation whenever he wants, and he has a summer home in Vale. His wife is a Tahitian masseuse. He has panda bacon delivered to his house for breakfast.

How to Make Money by Getting Rid of Evidence

Evidence disposal is the type of business that can get you a lot of money really fast, but is unlikely to be very steady unless you know the right people.

Fortunately for you, Howtomakeadollar does know such people.
1. Go to a big city
2. Go to a subway station in a bad part of town*
3. Wait around until well after midnight
4. Soon you will see some thugs fleeing the scene of a crime.
5. Approach them
6. Offer to get rid of the evidence for a dollar
7. Make sure they do not shoot you
8. Take the evidence and throw it in a lake. If the evidence can swim, you may have a difficult time, but you should be able to manage.
9. If the evidence looks like something that someone might want, you can feel free to try to sell it somewhere.

This is a feel-good business strategy in which both parties go away feeling good about themselves. You get an easy dollar; the thugs don't have to worry about being held accountable for their crimes. Everybody wins.

*Pretty much all subway stations are located in bad parts of town

How to Make $112.50 with a Tow Truck

Business Name: Predatory Towing Co.

How the Business Works:
1. Get a tow truck. You can do this in one of two ways:
      A. Buy one using conventional, legal means
      B. Call up a towing company and have them tow a tow truck away from a different towing company and drop it off at your house
2. Good. Now you have a tow truck
3. Drive around looking for a nice car
4. Follow it until it parks
5. Wait for the owner to get out and walk away
6. If the owner sees you idling by his driveway and asks what you are doing, reply that you are "Just looking." This works at retail stores, so there is no reason it shouldn't work here.
7. Tow car away
8. Here you have a choice to take your business in one of two directions:
    A. Sell the car.
    B. Let the owner have it back, but tell him it was parked illegally and charge a towing fee of $112.50
9. Repeat

Personal Note: From my observations, this business model seems to be working very well in Beverly, Massachusetts.