There is a $25 million reward for catching Osama bin Laden

A Simple 42 Step Plan for Catching Osama Bin Laden and Collecting a $25 Million Reward.

1. Go to Afghanistan

2. Ask the first person you meet if they have seen Osama bin Laden lately, and which way he was going.
3. Go in whichever direction they point
4. Keep your wits about you
5. Keep going in the same direction for at least 5 mins
6. If you still haven't found him after 5 mins, ask someone else
7. If they claim that they don't know, that means you must be pretty close.
8. Look for the nearest cave
9. Look over your shoulder a few times

10. Go inside cave.

        Reminder: Caves are dark and cause all noises to echo. You will have to rely on your quick wits and a strong sense of smell.
11. Shout "Osaaaaammmma" several times
12. If no one answers that means you are really close
13. *Tell an "Osama Momma" joke* (*see below for a list)
14. Soon Osama bin Laden will come out from behind a stalactite and try to shoot you
15. He will probably miss because its dark, so no worries
16. Since you are in a cave you should be able to see the flash when his gun fires
17. Go towards it
18. Soon you will smell something really gross, like an old person with a big beard who has been living in a cave for 9 years
19. Now you are really close
20. Throw a blanket in the direction of the smell
21. It will probably land on him
22. Dive on top of it
23.  Put your knee on his chest and press down really hard

24. Punch him in the face until your hands hurt
25. Drag him out of the cave

26. Punch him in the face a few more times
27. Tie him up
28. Punch him in the face again and again
29. Drag him a little farther
30. Repeat steps 25-30 until you get to the airport
31. Get out all your paperwork and passport info
32. Take off your shoes
33. Let the security people search your underwear for WMD
34. Let them do a background check and scan your backpacks
35. Throw away your finger nail clippers and your shampoo, and your toothpaste
36. Board airplane headed to Washington D.C.
37. Osama will probably be let straight through because he doesn't use nail clippers, toothpaste or shampoo, so don't worry about him.
38. Fly to D.C., periodically punching him in the face.
39. IMPORTANT: If he starts doing goofy stuff with his shoes or tries to set fire to his underwear you need to beat him senseless with your in-flight magazine right away. Remember to use both your left and right arms equally so that you work all your muscle groups.
40. Collect your reward from some guy at the Pentagon
41. Punch Osama in the face a few more times and tell him to take a bath
42. Wash your hands

*Here is a list of the top ten most effective Osama Momma jokes
1. Osama's momma is so fat she sat on a camel and it turned into a horse
2. Osama's momma is so fat Al Qaeda practices flying planes into her
3. Osama's momma is so fat the CIA called in an airstrike to take her out
4. Osama's momma is so fat she can't visit him in his cave
5. Osama's momma is so fat that whenever someone issues a fatwa she thinks they are talking about her
6. Osama's momma is so fat she eats during Ramadan
7. Osama's momma is so fat she killed an entire town in a suicide bombing. And lived.
8. Osama's momma is so fat people mistakenly make pilgrimages to her
9. Osama's momma is so fat she can pack a dozen WMDs into her underwear
10. Osama's momma is so fat the Taliban established a base behind her

Business Competition: None.

Seriously. None. I want you to think about this. None: I did a Google search for "Catch bin Laden" and the only things that come up are quotes from George W. Bush and John McCain from the 2008 election and earlier. It looks like no one since the 2008 election has been very interested in catching him, so you probably won't have much competition here. No worries. We know that Bush is a stupid liar wacko-bad-for-America-war criminal, and stupid, and irrelevant, and stupid, so he doesn't count, and McCain is irrelevant now too, so he doesn't count. It looks like you have this business all to yourself. No worries.

Related Business Ideas: See Howtomakeadollar's very first post: How to Make Money With a Terrorist

Here is the link to the FBI $25 million reward page

How to Make Six Dollars By Fixing My Bathroom Window

Business Plan: You fix my bathroom window, I pay you.

Business Description: The bathroom on the third floor of my house has a window. The frame of this window is rotted, and does not allow the window to close properly. This allows cold air to come in, as well as occasional insects. If you can fix it, I'll give you ten dollars. I estimate that you will need to buy about four dollars worth of lumber for this job. That will give you a $6 profit in addition to the rotted wood, which I will let you keep as a reader appreciation gift. You will also need a 40 foot ladder because the rotted frame is inaccessible from the inside of the house, and gloves because it is really cold today. I estimate that it will take you about an hour, which comes to $6 an hour.  Not bad. Many people in Zimbabwe will not make six dollars in a full year. Six dollars can buy approximately 60 candy canes in the week after Christmas, or one peep hole. You could also photocopy it. You can use the rotted wood to beat up terrorists, or animals, or to expand your island. Basically, you are robbing me blind with this business opportunity, but I'm a nice guy.

How To Make Money With A Terrorist

Business Name: Terrorist Beatdown Corp.

Business Description: Sell tickets to people who want a chance to beat up a terrorist, or watch it happen.

Business Logistics: Next time a terrorist gets arrested, you need to run to the courthouse and post his bail ASAP before anyone else has a chance. Once you have freed him, tie him up really good and stash him on a big boat. Cruise out into international waters and sell tickets to people who want to beat him up. Twenty dollars for a single punch, 50 for a knee to the crotch, and 200 for a full five minute beatdown, $500 for a crowbar, shovel, or two-by-four beating. You can sell tickets for observers as well. The important thing is to make sure you are in international waters. I’m about 50% certain that you can do whatever you want in international waters. There are no civil liberties at sea. The ocean has no respect. Eventually the Geneva people will convince the Navy to go after you. No problem. Just dump the guy out and pretend you are fishing.

Business Costs: The biggest expense will be posting bail. For really dirty terrorists this can run in the hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars. The other expense is a boat. You’ll need a big boat that can hold a crowd of at least 100 people. It will need to be fast enough to get out to international waters before the Coast Guard takes notice. You can probably find a boat like this on the cheap at Craigslist

Business Risks: Terrorist escapes, blows up boat with pair of shoes.

Feasibility Quotient: 46

Competitors: Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp

Marketing: If you post bail on a terrorist and then run him off into international waters, you will probably get all the publicity you need.

Related Businesses: This business model also works for rapists, molesters, serial killers and jaywalkers