Radioactive Wild Boars Running Wild in Germany

Some things are just too strange to make up. For example, lets say I told you that the wild boar population of an industrialized European nation suddenly exploded, and large marauding hordes of wild boars were attacking citizens in the capital city. You'd probably assume I was making it up. But what if I added that these wild boars were also radioactive? Well, believe it or not, its true. A real German newspaper wrote about it here.

Just two weeks ago a herd of radioactive wild boars attacked a handicapped guy in Berlin. Not out in the woods, not in Zimbabwe. In the middle of Berlin.

The rapidly growing radioactive wild boar population is bad enough that the German government is paying bounties to hunters for every radioactive wild boar they kill. There is no reason you can't get in on this. All you need is a gun and the willingness to stand your ground and shoot herds of attacking radioactive wild boars. If this is something you think you can handle, then by all means get yourself over to Germany and let the killing begin. Somebody needs to put a stop to this.

And no, wild boars are not the same thing as pigs. They are enormous, they have really long, sharp fangs, they are aggressive, territorial, and very fast. They travel in large packs. Adding radioactivity to their bloodstream doesn't help.

This boar's head is about the size of two men, and his fangs, by the look of them, could go all the way through your head and come out the other side. Did I mention it is radioactive?

This is a lot of radioactive wild bacon

Make Money By Going Missing

UPDATE:  Last week we wrote to inform our readers that one of our contributors had gone missing, and for various reasons, was presumed dead. We are somewhat relieved, and mildly pleased to report that he has now been found alive. Before continuing, you need to read the original missing person notice here.

He turned himself in for the $1 reward after reading about his disappearance on Howtomakeadollar. The $1 reward was offered specifically for information about his health and location. He confirmed his health by reporting that he was "not dead," but refused to give any specifics regarding his whereabouts, except for mumbling something incoherent about the border police in Namibia. Consequently, he was only able to obtain 50 cents of the reward, which is probably an accurate appraisal of his net worth.

We are kind of happy to welcome back his "unique" voice as a "contributor" to this blog.  However, the entire incident gave us yet another can't-miss money-making idea: Go missing, and when a reward is posted for information regarding your whereabouts, come forward yourself and claim the prize.  In order to have someone offer a reward when you go missing, you may need to commit a crime or have a loved one.  We have found that our readers generally fall into one of those two categories.  So chances are, you're good to go.  Missing, that is.

Related Business Ideas:  Have a bounty taken out for your head.  Then deliver your head.  You do still have it, don't you?  Or conversely, find someone else who goes missing and offers to give you $5000 if you find them.

Other related Business Idea for People who do not have Loved Ones, and are not suspected of Crimes:
1. Find a person who probably has loved ones
2. Convince the person to go for a ride in your car. You may need to use coercive techniques such as offering candy or a hot stock investment tip. Very few people can resist a good stock investment idea from a stranger. It is ideal if you can get them into your trunk, but this is not necessarily necessary.
3. Once they get in the car, drive away quickly. Make sure to have your tires squeal.
4. Soon there will be a reward offered for either the person in your car, or yourself, possibly both of you
5. Turn yourself in to the person offering the reward, along with the person in your car

Personally, I think this is different from kidnapping. Kidnappers are mean, scary, and dangerous. You are just a nice guy looking for some easy cash. HUGE difference.

Make Money by Going Fishing a Lot

Ok, so apparently there is a breed of carp called "asian carp" that has invaded the Mississippi River and eaten all the other fish. Not only this, but the Asian Carp are threatening to invade the Great Lakes, where they would presumably destroy a $7 billion fishing industry.

This article  uses the phrase "marauding carp" to describe these fish. They grow up to 40 pounds and four feet long, and are able to jump about 10 feet in the air. Sometimes they leap out of the water and attack boaters, occasionally causing concussions and broken bones. (its true, Wikipedia says so). They eat and reproduce so fast that they are able to destroy native fish populations. Apparently they are so dangerous that the government is spending $78.5 million to find a way to keep them out of the the Great Lakes. There is only one route between the Great Lakes and the Mississippi, a manmade canal. Naturally, the government is rejecting the idea of simply laying a net across this canal, which could be done by a bunch of illegal immigrants for about $5.78, plus a ride back to the nearest 7-11.

Why is this woman holding a bow and arrow and sitting in a camouflage chair in the middle of a lake? Why is she not the slightest bit concerned that a gigantic carp is flying into her head?  

Photo came from this page. 

All well and good. The most obvious, cheapest and easiest idea has been nixed. Fine. That means that the $78.5 million is still out there, waiting for someone to get rid of these carp. For the record, there is a $25 million reward for Osama Bin Laden. The carp, apparently, are more than three times as dangerous as Bin Laden. We've already outlined a good way for you to catch him, so now we are going to give you a good solution for stopping these crazy marauding carp. My guess is that there are at least 100 ways to destroy these carp for less than one million dollars, but since we have $78.5 million to work with, we might as well take it.

How to make $78.5 million by going fishing a lot

1. Go fishing a lot

2. Everytime you catch a marauding carp, kill it. Everytime you catch something else, throw it back.

3. Eat the marauding carp. If you don't like carp meat, then make cat food out of it or put it in someone's car who you don't like.

In all seriousness, what if someone paid a $1 bounty for every Asian Carp. Surely there are less than one million of them, and over a few years they would all be caught, or would at least be kept in check. Additionally, carp meat is a common food in China, so its definitely edible.*

*Yes yes, I know, just because people in China eat it doesn't mean its edible, but again, cats could eat it, and then the people in China could eat the cats. Problem solved.

There is a $25 million reward for catching Osama bin Laden

A Simple 42 Step Plan for Catching Osama Bin Laden and Collecting a $25 Million Reward.

1. Go to Afghanistan

2. Ask the first person you meet if they have seen Osama bin Laden lately, and which way he was going.
3. Go in whichever direction they point
4. Keep your wits about you
5. Keep going in the same direction for at least 5 mins
6. If you still haven't found him after 5 mins, ask someone else
7. If they claim that they don't know, that means you must be pretty close.
8. Look for the nearest cave
9. Look over your shoulder a few times

10. Go inside cave.

        Reminder: Caves are dark and cause all noises to echo. You will have to rely on your quick wits and a strong sense of smell.
11. Shout "Osaaaaammmma" several times
12. If no one answers that means you are really close
13. *Tell an "Osama Momma" joke* (*see below for a list)
14. Soon Osama bin Laden will come out from behind a stalactite and try to shoot you
15. He will probably miss because its dark, so no worries
16. Since you are in a cave you should be able to see the flash when his gun fires
17. Go towards it
18. Soon you will smell something really gross, like an old person with a big beard who has been living in a cave for 9 years
19. Now you are really close
20. Throw a blanket in the direction of the smell
21. It will probably land on him
22. Dive on top of it
23.  Put your knee on his chest and press down really hard

24. Punch him in the face until your hands hurt
25. Drag him out of the cave

26. Punch him in the face a few more times
27. Tie him up
28. Punch him in the face again and again
29. Drag him a little farther
30. Repeat steps 25-30 until you get to the airport
31. Get out all your paperwork and passport info
32. Take off your shoes
33. Let the security people search your underwear for WMD
34. Let them do a background check and scan your backpacks
35. Throw away your finger nail clippers and your shampoo, and your toothpaste
36. Board airplane headed to Washington D.C.
37. Osama will probably be let straight through because he doesn't use nail clippers, toothpaste or shampoo, so don't worry about him.
38. Fly to D.C., periodically punching him in the face.
39. IMPORTANT: If he starts doing goofy stuff with his shoes or tries to set fire to his underwear you need to beat him senseless with your in-flight magazine right away. Remember to use both your left and right arms equally so that you work all your muscle groups.
40. Collect your reward from some guy at the Pentagon
41. Punch Osama in the face a few more times and tell him to take a bath
42. Wash your hands

*Here is a list of the top ten most effective Osama Momma jokes
1. Osama's momma is so fat she sat on a camel and it turned into a horse
2. Osama's momma is so fat Al Qaeda practices flying planes into her
3. Osama's momma is so fat the CIA called in an airstrike to take her out
4. Osama's momma is so fat she can't visit him in his cave
5. Osama's momma is so fat that whenever someone issues a fatwa she thinks they are talking about her
6. Osama's momma is so fat she eats during Ramadan
7. Osama's momma is so fat she killed an entire town in a suicide bombing. And lived.
8. Osama's momma is so fat people mistakenly make pilgrimages to her
9. Osama's momma is so fat she can pack a dozen WMDs into her underwear
10. Osama's momma is so fat the Taliban established a base behind her

Business Competition: None.

Seriously. None. I want you to think about this. None: I did a Google search for "Catch bin Laden" and the only things that come up are quotes from George W. Bush and John McCain from the 2008 election and earlier. It looks like no one since the 2008 election has been very interested in catching him, so you probably won't have much competition here. No worries. We know that Bush is a stupid liar wacko-bad-for-America-war criminal, and stupid, and irrelevant, and stupid, so he doesn't count, and McCain is irrelevant now too, so he doesn't count. It looks like you have this business all to yourself. No worries.

Related Business Ideas: See Howtomakeadollar's very first post: How to Make Money With a Terrorist

Here is the link to the FBI $25 million reward page