Friday, May 28, 2010

Make Money by Blowing up Large Buildings

There comes a time in every man's life when he must decide in his heart what he would do if he had a load of dynamite and some matches. Most people never find themselves facing an opportunity like this, but in case you ever do, Howtomakeadollar has some advice. First, we must assume that if you have a bunch of dynamite that you are planning to use it to blow something up. Thats what its for. Many things have more than one potential purpose. Dynamite has only one purpose, to blow stuff way up. So, assuming you are going to blow something up, Howtomakeadollar suggests you consider large buildings in the middle of large cities.

Large buildings?? Isn't that frowned upon?
Ordinarily you would think that blowing up buildings would be illegal. However, it is not always illegal. Sometimes it is sanctioned and paid for by the government. In fact, in 2000 the city of Seattle paid $9 million for a company to blow up the Kingdome, which was a large multi-sport stadium. The Kingdome cost $67 million to build, and the city had not even finished paying off its debt, but apparently they were so sick of seeing it every stinking morning when they woke up that they paid another $9 million to blow it up. You can watch a video of it here.

And its not just Seattle that has a gacked-out penchant for flaming self-jihadist obliteration. Lots of major cities have done similar projects including Philadelphia, Detroit, and Las Vegas. Thats right. City governments pay out large contracts for people to come blow stuff up. Times have changed. In 1941 Japan provided this service for free to a bunch of buildings and ships in Hawaii. A few short years later the U.S. returned the favor by blowing up every building in a three mile radius in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki-- all free of charge! But now things are different. If you want your buildings reduced to a fiery heap of dust and rubble, you best be prepared to pay out the nose for it.

The company that does this insists that these explosions require careful planning and expert logistical analysis. This is a blatant lie. All you need is a huge load of dynamite. In my experience there is no problem of logistical analysis that can't be solved with dynamite. Aside from a really big load of dynamite, you will also need something to carry it around in. Building demolition is a big industry in the Middle East, and demolition experts there usually prefer to carry their dynamite close to their bodies, such as in a hip belt, or in a vest. This strategy seems to work pretty well for them. However, for large buildings I think you will need something bigger such as a wheelbarrow. I think a wheelbarrow is probably a safe enough conveyance for a load of dynamite.

Aside from being paid to commit an act of domestic terrorism, I'm pretty sure I heard somewhere that you can get 77 wives in heaven for every building you blow up on earth. So, assuming this is a situation you find desirable,* then you will be in pretty good shape. Why you would want this many wives is a separate question that you will have to ask all the crazy nutdrivers** who blow up buildings.

*I mean no offense to my lovely wife whose loveliness I love lovingly, but honestly, I think one wife is about all I could handle. If 77 is your goal, then I guess I won't stop you, but I have to advise against it. The logistics of this kind of domestic arrangement in the afterlife are beyond my ability to accommodate. You would probably need a few wheelbarrows just for going shoe shopping, and you can forget about using the bathroom for a few hours before you go out to dinner with them.

**A nutdriver is a tool that looks similar to a screwdriver, only it is used for tightening nuts instead of screws. However, in this instance I am using the word figuratively to describe a person who is nuts. Get it? Nutdriver -- nuts!? Ha!

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