Friday, February 19, 2010

Missing person alert! Reward!

URGENT: One of Howtomakeadollar's founding members is missing and presumed dead! We are offering a $1 reward for any information leading to knowledge of his whereabouts and general health. Howtomakeadollar strives to maintain the anonymity of its writers, so we will not give you this man's name. However, you can see a picture of him here.  

He is middle-aged, balding, (though known to wear a toupee) and morbidly obese. His teeth are plated with gold, and he has extraordinarily hairy arms, back and chest, as well as occasional facial hair. He serves as a freelance nudist and part time Elvis impersonator in the greater Pittsburgh area, and may be armed, but should not be considered dangerous. His inspiring work as an Elvis impersonator provided us with the basis for this post. The last time anyone heard from him was during an emergency late-night company conference call on Feb. 8, 2010. During the call he was pressured into numerous company responsibilities, but did not seem bothered by it. He was in good spirits and spoke coherently, alertly, and without slurred speech. He did not mention any enemies or angry girlfriends, and seemed optimistic about several business ventures. For reasons we would not like to get into right now, he is presumed to be dead. However, the $1 reward stands for any information about his whereabouts, whether he is dead or not. Anyone with information is encouraged to email 
Obituary follows.

[Name withheld], (age unknown), a freelance nudist and occasional Elvis impersonator, as well as frequent contributor to the wildly successful small business blog "," is missing, and for various undisclosed reasons, is presumed dead. 

Throughout his life he was often celebrated for his erratic driving, unusual fondness for gothic fantasy fiction, and his many pets, which may have numbered over 60. An astonishingly virile man, he is believed to have fathered at least eight children, with up to six others currently engaged in various paternity and custody battles.

However, despite his numerous accomplishments, he was probably most appreciated by his closest friends for his extremely well developed sense of humor and easy going attitude. As a contributor to Howtomakeadollar, he quickly distinguished himself from other contributors by coming up with the funniest and most cutting-edge ideas, and was not afraid to push the ethical envelope in the name of profit.

He is survived by his six former wives, numerous children, two fiancees, and up to 16 cats, 11 rabbits, 18 parrots, and an unknown number of dogs.

Generally speaking, he will be missed.

Missing a loved one? Howtomakeadollar can write up an obituary or missing person notice for one dollar.

UPDATE: Our friend was identified on Feb. 25, alive, but not well. Reward collected. Read about it here.

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