Friday, February 12, 2010

Make Money at the Olympics

The other day I was going about my business, making money hand over fist, and watching all my stock investments go up while the market went down, and checking out my supermodel wife, when it hit me. The Olympics are this year. Like now. Who knew? Actually, they start today, Feb 12. In Vancouver British Columbia, which is in Canada.

Three ways to make money at the Olympics

Get really good at a sport
1. Pick a sport that you think is an Olympic event
2. Get really good at it by playing first person video games and watching it on TV. This will give you some basic knowledge of how the sport works. The rest is just fitness, dieting, and motor skills, which anyone can do
3. Go to Vancouver
4. Win a gold medal in dramatic fashion, say, with a broken leg, or by beating some Russian guy.
5. Suddenly become really rich. (Not sure who pays you for this, but someone will)

Follow Athletes Around
If you don't feel like playing the requisite video games to become an Olympic athlete you can make money by following athletes around.

1. Find an Olympic athlete. You can identify them because they are usually extremely muscular, good looking, and fast. If you find an athlete that is not all of the above, you should look for a different one, because that one isn't going to win.
2. Follow athlete around.
3. When the athlete drops something, pick it up
4. Sell item on Ebay, or Craigslist if the item is really dirty and broken
5. Take pictures of athletes clothes, and any members of the opposite sex that appear with the athlete
6. Sell photos to gossip magazines.
7. Take pictures of athlete injecting self with steroids
8. Sell photos to athlete

Use an Athlete as a Human Billboard
You will need:
1. Post-it Note
2. Sharpie

How it works
1. Sneak up behind athlete just before the event starts
2. Write the name of your business on the post it note
3. Slap post-it note on athlete's back

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