Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Make Money at the World Cup

The World Cup, for those who haven't heard, is some sort of international sporting event involving a game called "soccer." To my knowledge there are no actual cups involved in the World Cup, so you will have to bring your own or borrow some from a friend. The winner of the tournament is awarded with a trophy made out of about 10 pounds of solid gold, which would be worth about $200,000 on the open market. So there is strong incentive to win. More on this in a moment.

Aside from this piece of gold, there are also international privileges. I believe the winning nation gets a free pass on all terrorist attacks for the next four years. This is why the U.S. keeps getting attacked despite being awesome, and it explains why Italy never does, despite sucking.

The World Cup is currently being held in South Africa, which, I believe, is located somewhere in southern Africa, about seven gazillion miles from the nearest participating World Cup nation. This location was chosen for a wide variety of strategic reasons which benefit the whole continent.

First, the location requires all teams and spectators to fly over the entire African continent to get there. This involves flying over Sudan, where most airplanes are shot down and converted into machetes and landmines. This is important because Sudan is the world's leading consumer of these items, and it forces participants to toughen up. It also reduces congestion at Africa's airport, when it is operational. Those who choose to avoid flying over Africa generally choose to travel by cruise ship. This also benefits Africa because a certain segment of the shipping industry is the leading source of GDP for Somalia.

Furthermore, South Africa has the highest violent crime rate in the entire world, which is important because soccer matches frequently cause dangerous riots, and the South Africans will be very good at these. Additionally, South Africa is probably best known for its rampant, entrenched racism, and we all know that no good riot is complete without an element of racism. The fact that South Africa has more than twice as many people with AIDS than any other country in the world should only serve to make these riots more interesting.

As far as the actual sport goes, soccer looks pretty easy. Most of the time the winning team will only score like one or two goals, so you really don't have to be very good to win. Not only that, but all the players seem unwilling, or unable to use their hands. Its like someone gave a ball to a bunch of Irish river dancers and told them to go run amok. I think if you dispensed with all this nonsense and just grabbed the ball and ran you would easily score enough goals to win.

So, if you are a strapping young person out to seek your fortune, and you aren't afraid of dying miserably from a half dozen different causes, then head to South Africa to win the World Cup and make money.

1 comment:

  1. Official AccountantJune 23, 2010 at 11:29 PM

    The winners of the 10 pound gold trophy are then taken by cruise on a tour of the Somali coast. This is a good thing because of the money making opportunities for " a certain segment of the shipping industry" in that area.


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