Saturday, January 16, 2010

There is a $25 million reward for catching Osama bin Laden

A Simple 42 Step Plan for Catching Osama Bin Laden and Collecting a $25 Million Reward.

1. Go to Afghanistan
2. Ask the first person you meet if they have seen Osama bin Laden lately, and which way he was going.
3. Go in whichever direction they point
4. Keep your wits about you
5. Keep going in the same direction for at least 5 mins
6. If you still haven't found him after 5 mins, ask someone else
7. If they claim that they don't know, that means you must be pretty close.
8. Look for the nearest cave
9. Look over your shoulder a few times
10. Go inside cave.
        Reminder: Caves are dark and cause all noises to echo. You will have to rely on your quick wits and a strong sense of smell.
11. Shout "Osaaaaammmma" several times
12. If no one answers that means you are really close
13. *Tell an "Osama Momma" joke* (*see below for a list)
14. Soon Osama bin Laden will come out from behind a stalactite and try to shoot you
15. He will probably miss because its dark, so no worries
16. Since you are in a cave you should be able to see the flash when his gun fires
17. Go towards it
18. Soon you will smell something really gross, like an old person with a big beard who has been living in a cave for 9 years
19. Now you are really close
20. Throw a blanket in the direction of the smell
21. It will probably land on him
22. Dive on top of it
23.  Put your knee on his chest and press down really hard
24. Punch him in the face until your hands hurt
25. Drag him out of the cave
26. Punch him in the face a few more times
27. Tie him up
28. Punch him in the face again and again
29. Drag him a little farther
30. Repeat steps 25-30 until you get to the airport
31. Get out all your paperwork and passport info
32. Take off your shoes
33. Let the security people search your underwear for WMD
34. Let them do a background check and scan your backpacks
35. Throw away your finger nail clippers and your shampoo, and your toothpaste
36. Board airplane headed to Washington D.C.
37. Osama will probably be let straight through because he doesn't use nail clippers, toothpaste or shampoo, so don't worry about him.
38. Fly to D.C., periodically punching him in the face.
39. IMPORTANT: If he starts doing goofy stuff with his shoes or tries to set fire to his underwear you need to beat him senseless with your in-flight magazine right away. Remember to use both your left and right arms equally so that you work all your muscle groups.
40. Collect your reward from some guy at the Pentagon
41. Punch Osama in the face a few more times and tell him to take a bath
42. Wash your hands

*Here is a list of the top ten most effective Osama Momma jokes
1. Osama's momma is so fat she sat on a camel and it turned into a horse
2. Osama's momma is so fat Al Qaeda practices flying planes into her
3. Osama's momma is so fat the CIA called in an airstrike to take her out
4. Osama's momma is so fat she can't visit him in his cave
5. Osama's momma is so fat that whenever someone issues a fatwa she thinks they are talking about her
6. Osama's momma is so fat she eats during Ramadan
7. Osama's momma is so fat she killed an entire town in a suicide bombing. And lived.
8. Osama's momma is so fat people mistakenly make pilgrimages to her
9. Osama's momma is so fat she can pack a dozen WMDs into her underwear
10. Osama's momma is so fat the Taliban established a base behind her

Business Competition: None.

Seriously. None. I want you to think about this. None: I did a Google search for "Catch bin Laden" and the only things that come up are quotes from George W. Bush and John McCain from the 2008 election and earlier. It looks like no one since the 2008 election has been very interested in catching him, so you probably won't have much competition here. No worries. We know that Bush is a stupid liar wacko-bad-for-America-war criminal, and stupid, and irrelevant, and stupid, so he doesn't count, and McCain is irrelevant now too, so he doesn't count. It looks like you have this business all to yourself. No worries.

Related Business Ideas: See Howtomakeadollar's very first post: How to Make Money With a Terrorist

1 comment:

  1. I really like the Osama's Momma jokes! Definitely LOLed and shed a couple of tears.


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