Thursday, December 10, 2009

How to Make Money By Not Farming

Hi, how is everybody doing? Good? Awesome. I'm good too. But I don't have time for all this small talk.
I know a way to make you rich without even having to work, and without having to venture into any ethical grey areas.

The US Dept. of Agriculture (USDA) has a smaller division within itself that is called the Farm Service Agency (FSA). The FSA owns something called the Commodity Credit Corp. (CCC). All three groups figured they should make a fourth group called the Conserrvation Reserve Program (CRP). The CRP is audited by the Natural Resources Conservation Service (NRCS). The purpose of the CRP is to give money to people for not farming. Did you catch that? They pay you for not farming. I'm not kidding.

Here is how it works. Many people own farm land. They work really hard all day, starting at like 4:00 AM, and they sweat, have callused hands, and smell like manure. Sometimes they have to artificially inseminate cows. These people provide food for the entire world. These are the people that originally settled the U.S. and made it rich. If the weather is good, and the markets are good, they can make money. If something goes wrong, they lose money. These people are called Farmers, and the USDA, the FSA, the CCC, the CRP, and the NRCS hate these people and wish they would all go away and maybe fall off a silo.

Other people own farmland and do not work really hard all day. They do not get up at 4:00 AM. They do not sweat. Their hands are soft and delicate, and they do not smell of manure. They never artificially inseminate cows. They do not produce food for the entire world, and they do not contribute to the growth of the U.S. economy. They own farm land, but they do not farm it. These are the people that the USDA, the CRP, The CCC, the NRCS, and the FSA care about.

If you refuse to farm, they will pay you money for your land to just sit there not being farmed. Here is how it works.
1. Call someone at the USDA.
2. Ask to speak with someone at the FSA
3. Ask someone at the FSA to connect you with the CCC
4. Ask the CCC to connect you with the CRP
5. Hold, while the CRP person gets the ok from the NRCS
6. Tell the CRP that you are not a farmer
7. Swear to them that you do not own any cows, and that you do not like crops.
8. Ask for money
9. Periodically throughout the year take pictures of your land, making sure there are no crops growing on it, or any cows roaming around
10. Send these pics to the CRP
11. *IMPORTANT DO NOT FARM

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